TGFY

From the Gaurdian Diary:

A Broadcasting Standards Commission adjudication reaches us. While accepting comedian Mark Thomas's reputation for "approaching important issues in an accessible way", the BSC upholds a complaint on the grounds that "the tirade against the Rt Hon Robin Cook MP . . . exceeded acceptable boundaries." How draconian. All Mark did on his Channel 4 show was highlight the gulf between the hobgoblin's "ethical dimension at the heart of foreign policy" and the reality. "Robin Cook should be here, the f****** evil little corporate knob-polishing, hypocritical lying scum-f****** f***," was his conclusion - a little crude, perhaps, but nothing there anyone could seriously argue with. Even so, Mark is penitent, admitting: "I'd be happy to withdraw 'f****** f***'.

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another! Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.

Finally, the crab spoke.

"Fuck, I'm pissed."