A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a
young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed,
he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said
no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she
certainly knew of that product.
When asked if she used it, she answered, "Yes, we use it when we have
sexual intercourse." The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask
that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they
use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other
purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse,
they just don't like to say so. Since you've been so frank, could you tell
me exactly how you use it?"
"We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out."
----------------------
After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and
told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more chiildren.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go
home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be
the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a
beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting
on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, Burnley and anywhere in Wales:)
----------------------
Subject: Question on Application for Job Interview!!
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by
a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect woman (or man) you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading...
This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a
job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you
should save her first; or you could take the old friend because she once
saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay her back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming
up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let her take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect man/woman against the bus stop and
drive off with the old friend for some beers.
----------------------
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors.
Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic, they
all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike
stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched, "STOP!" he said in a firm
voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held
it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped
out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer mat and held it up to him.
William nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable (for his age)
erection in his hand. "Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
----------------------
"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad
movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going
to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" --
Jay Leno
----------------------
"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to
wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the
American voters to become president, either." -- David Letterman
----------------------
"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam
Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies,
housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He
finally comes up with a domestic agenda - and it's for Iraq. Maybe we
could bring that here if it works out." -- Jay Leno
----------------------
"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that
democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have
a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq?
We can't even get this in Florida." -- Jay Leno
----------------------
"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a
1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey,
look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" -- Craig Kilborn
----------------------
"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass
destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq.
There's just one problem -- it's in North Korea." -- Jon Stewart
----------------------
"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They
were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that
spells 'OIL.'" -- Jay Leno
----------------------
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three
parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." -- Jay Leno
----------------------
"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend.
See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history.
First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares
war." -- Jay Leno
----------------------
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " -- Frank Sinatra
----------------------
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools." -- Ernest Hemingway
----------------------
"Question with boldness even the existence of God; because, if there be one,
he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded
fear." -Thomas Jefferson
----------------------
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with
sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. " -Galileo
----------------------
"The Church says the earth is flat, but I know that it's round, for I have
seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the
church." -Ferdinand Magellan
----------------------
"You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image, when it
turns out that God hates all the same people you do." -Anne Lamott
----------------------
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." -Napolean
----------------------
"If religion cannot restrain evil, it cannot claim effective power for
good." -Morris Cohen
----------------------
"It is usually when men are at their most religious that they behave with
the least sense and the greatest cruelty." -Ilka Chase
----------------------
"If the Bible and my brain are both the work of the same Infinite God, whose
fault is it that the book and my brain do not agree?" -Robert G. Ingersoll
----------------------
"I cannot imagine a God who rewards and punishes the objects of his
creation, whose purposes are modeled after our own -- a God, in short, who
is but a reflection of human frailty. Neither can I believe that the
individual survives the death of his body, although feeble souls harbor such
thoughts through fear or ridiculous egotism." -Albert Einstein
----------------------
"The trouble with born again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain
the second time around." -Herb Caen
----------------------
"All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or
Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and
enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit." -Thomas Paine
----------------------
"At present there is not a single credible established religion in the
world." -George Bernard Shaw
----------------------
"Fundamentalism isn't about religion. It's about power." -Salman Rushdie
----------------------
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." -Delo McKown
----------------------
"Faith is a euphemism for prejudice and religion is a euphemism for
superstition." -Paul Keller
----------------------
"I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose." -Clarence
Darrow
----------------------
"The careful student of history will discover that Christianity has been of
very little value in advancing civilization, but has done a great deal
toward retarding it." -Matilda Joslyn Gage, "Woman, Church and State", 1893
----------------------
"When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many
people suffer from a delusion it is called Religion." -Robert M. Pirsig
----------------------
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians, your Christians are so
unlike your Christ." -Mahatma Gandhi
----------------------
"If we are going to teach 'creation science' as an alternative to evolution,
then we should also teach the stork theory as an alternative to biological
reproduction." -Judith Hayes
----------------------
"Faith is often the boast of the man who is too lazy to investigate." -F.M.
Knowles
----------------------
"You are never dedicated to do something you have complete confidence in. No
one is fanatically shouting that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. They
know it's going to rise tomorrow. When people are fanatically dedicated to
political or religious faiths or any other kind of dogmas or goals, it's
always because these dogmas or goals are in doubt." -Robert M. Pirsig, "Zen
& The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
----------------------
"If God has spoken, why is the world not convinced?" -Percy Bysshe Shelley
----------------------
"If god doesn't like the way I live, Let him tell me, not you." -unknown
----------------------
"Imagine the ego of the human race, to consider themselves so grand, as to
warrant a creator worthy of praise." -Robert Brunswick Jr.
----------------------
"For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But
for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers
don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We
are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God.
We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our
educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We
are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will
tremble to take us." -Charles Bukowski
----------------------
"In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a
clergyman." -George Carlin
----------------------
"Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living
in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the
invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do.
And if you do any of these 10 things he has a special place full of fire and
smoke and burning and torture and anguish where he will send you to live and
suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry for ever and ever until the end
of time...but he loves you." -George Carlin
----------------------
"When a man ceases to believe in god, he does not believe in nothing. He
believes in everything." -G.K. Chesterson
----------------------
"I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories
of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal
God." -Thomas Edison
----------------------
"A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy,
education, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would
indeed be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and
hope of reward after death." -Albert Einstein
----------------------
"The gods can either take away evil from the world and will not, or, being
willing to do so, cannot; or they neither can nor will, or lastly, they are
both able and willing. If they have the will to remove evil and cannot, then
they are not omnipotent. If they can, but will not, than they are not
benevolent. If they are neither able nor willing, then they are neither
omnipotent nor benevolent. Lastly, if they are both able and willing to
annihilate evil, how does it exist?" -Epicures, 300 B.C.
----------------------
"If 50 million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish
thing" -Anatole France
----------------------
"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." -Ben Franklin, Poor
Richard's Almanack, 1758
----------------------
"Religion is the opiate of the masses." -Karl Marx
----------------------
"One would like to believe that people who think of themselves as devout
Christians would also behave in a manner that is in according with Christian
ethics. But pastorally and existentially, I know that this is not the case,
and never has been." -John Neuhaus, in San Jose Mercury News
----------------------
"Which is it: is man one of God's blunders or is God one of
man's?" -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
----------------------
"The last Christian died on a cross." -Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche
----------------------
"I cannot believe in a God who wants to be praised all the time." -Friedrich
Wilhelm Nietzsche
----------------------
"I would love to believe that when I die I will live again, that some
thinking, feeling, remembering part of me will continue. But as much as I
want to believe that, and despite the ancient and worldwide cultural
traditions that assert an afterlife, I know of nothing to suggest that it is
more than wishful thinking." -Carl Sagan
----------------------
"The world is so exquisite, with so much love and moral depth, that there is
no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little
good evidence. Far better, it seems to me, in our vulnerability, is to look
Death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent
opportunity that life provides." -Carl Sagan
Flash
"If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be... a
Christian." -Mark Twain
----------------------
"Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are
they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?" -Mark
Twain
----------------------
"Blasphemy? No, it is not blasphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above
blasphemy; if He is as little as that, He is beneath it." -Mark Twain
----------------------
"What is the function that a clergyman performs in the world? Answer: he
gets his living by assuring idiots that he can save them from an imaginary
hell. It's a business almost indistinguishable from that of a seller of
snake-oil for rheumatism." -H.L. Mencken
