TGFY Jokes
Radar Trap
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e., 10 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find a policeman with a radar
gun on the other side laying in wait.
He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,
"What's your hurry?" To which I replied,
"I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the policeman, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The policeman stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my
whole
hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot
wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Traffic Ticket: £95.00
Court Costs: £45.00
A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of sweets. He gave all of the children the
same kind of sweet one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavour. The children began to say:
"Red............ .....cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green........... ....lime",
"Orange...............orange".
Finally, the professor gave them all honey flavoured sweets. After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify
the taste.
"Well", he said, "I'll give you all a clue...
It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled,
"Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!"
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he
sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
"Oh my, I am sooo sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards, the theater, followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
And stay for breakfast the next morning. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!
Everything had been incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies..."
"You just happened to catch my eye."
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